for my dad’s…pain in prose

I never knew my biological father’s love though the rumors said it was true as any love could be…doesn’t matter though…it seemed he only betrayed me. For years I longed and longed to know a dad…for guidance, advice and a little faith in me, maybe a dad creative like me. I’ve always marched to the beat of my own drummer…sometimes I even turned a deaf ear to him…wandering, lost, looking for the missing link…always wishing I could ask what does daddy think. I always said you can’t miss what you never had but deep inside I truly missed my dad. I always wanted to be daddy’s little girl…always wanted to be the center of his world…just never happened with the father that made me. I lost him to drugs and alcohol or the streets, maybe. I only met him for a few years in my teens but unfortunately I was preoccupied with my own life’s dreams…never got to know him or understood what he was about… and gone to soon…at forty six his light burned out. Mired with regret and dreadful heartache…the death of my biological dad was almost more than I could take. I cried and screamed…my heart full of tears…if only he would’ve stayed sober and I had been kinder through the years. But time had caught us up and cruel words I couldn’t un-say filled my life with pain each and every day. Often I would dream about him…they seemed like nightmares of languish; then one night I dreamed he held Jesus in a manger, for me he hand made the nativity scene, I dreamed he gave it to me as I entered my limousine. I will never forget how real it felt to hear him say, ” I have always loved you, so forgive yourself today.”  I woke up with tears pouring from my eyes…I startled my lover with my screams and cries. I felt sadness and relief all at the same time. Still time heals all wounds given in due time…now I reflect on those moments time and again, realizing little by little I am on the mend…forgiveness was the one gift I couldn’t allow myself to ever receive…but through his love and guidance…my daddy freed me. I miss you daddy…I wish so much I could turn back the hands of time for just one day to hold your hand in mine. I realize you can never be reincarnate but I am thankful now for the one you sent in your place. A creative soul with so much talent, misunderstood just like you and me…most of all like you he loves me whole heartily.

 

The lost daughter…Cheryl

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~ by Le Sublime Poétesse on May 31, 2012.

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